Losing Himself
by Mia-Hood
Summary: Sesshoumaru's walking coma is unexplainable and strange. Can Inuyasha and Co. unlock the secret in that amber gaze? But the most important question is: Where is Rin?


The day Sesshoumaru turned up on Inuyasha's doorstep was bleak and cloudy. The wind whipped their clothes, the royal haori and the red jumpsuit, and their matching silver hair. Inuyasha's feet were planted firmly in between his brother and his home. A scowl was on his face and he prepared for a fight. It was his brother's retainer who stopped him.

"Wait! Please!" the tiny green demon cried from the back of the giant two-headed dragon. "Our lord is not well! Let me speak!"

The sincerity in the toad's voice was what started to loosen Inuyasha's grip on the hilt of the fang Tetsaiga. He studied his brother without a glance at the retainer. Sesshoumaru had not changed. He never did. He was always timeless and cold, like a marble statue.

There was something though. Inuyasha looked into his brother's eyes. Those amber eyes, always frigid and always directed, looked … lost. Almost like a child's, they stared not at him but through him. Not focusing and numbing, they resembled the rest of his posture. His body was still as death; not even a clenching of his claws nor a twitch towards his sword was made. Yes, there was something wrong.

"What do you want?" Inuyasha's rang clearly and firmly. It was not impudent, loud, or crass, just simply strong.

"We've been traveling in the cold for days," Jaken said, almost pleading. "May we, uh, come inside?"

Inuyasha never took his eyes off his brother. "Why should I?"

Before Jaken could reply, Sesshoumaru suddenly moved. He took one, two, three steps forward towards his brother.

Inuyasha's hand was at his swords hilt in an instant, a snarl twisting his face. The sound made Sesshoumaru stop.

"Brother."

The word was a statement but there was confusion in the slight crinkling of his eyebrows as he stared with eyes that seemed to plead.

Inuyasha was surprised, but suddenly he heard his mate call,

"Inuyasha, what are you -?"

Kagome gasped when she saw Sesshoumaru standing there.

"Get back, Kagome!"

Sesshoumaru stared at her for a moment; eyes widened just a bit in shock.

"Rin."

The word was too quiet for Inuyasha to catch as he jumped in front of him, Tetsaiga's tip at Sesshoumaru's nose.

"You stay away from her." The warning was low and serious.

Sesshoumaru's gaze went between Inuyasha and Kagome before the wind changed direction. He took a sharp breath in and his whole composure seemed to slump. His eyes were half-lidded and he looked in a trance. Kagome sensed that something was wrong. She ran to Inuyasha and put a hand on the arm that held Tetsaiga.

Inuyasha's gaze swerved to her in question. Kagome's eyes pleaded.

Tetsaiga was lowered just in time for Inuyasha to catch his brother as he fell.

He was shocked so shocked that he didn't know whether he should throw his brother away from him or carry him. Kagome ended up making the decision for him.

"Oh my God! Bring him inside, Inuyasha!" She rushed into the house to clear a place for them to put Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru lay unconscious for the rest of the day. Inuyasha and Kagome drilled Jaken to find out what happened. The toad was unusually silent as he sat by his master's side. He said that he couldn't have brought him to the Western Lands in the state he was in and that Inuyasha was the only one he could turn to. They asked why. Jaken hung his head.

"Where is Rin?" Kagome had a feeling of dread in her stomach.

Jaken was quiet.

"Speak, damnit!" Inuyasha yelled at the toad almost shaking him.

"I don't know." Was the only reply they got.

The next day, they found Sesshoumaru conscious. He sat upright on the tattered mat they had laid him on, his eyes and posture the same as before. Jaken seemed more talkative that morning. He told them that his lord hadn't spoken for days. He had wandered aimlessly, not caring where he was going or why. Jaken said he had even had to start directing the demon lord to make sure he didn't hurt himself. After he had collapsed the first time, the loyal retainer had decided to find help.

"This has something to do with Rin, doesn't it?" Kagome broke the uneasy silence that had settled over the room.

From his seat at the fire, Sesshoumaru's ears seemed to twitch at the name, but otherwise stayed motionless.

Jaken looked between the couple and his lord with apprehension as if torn between them. He finally sighed and said slowly,

"Very well. All I know is that one day I woke to find that both Rin and Sesshoumaru-sama were gone. I was about to go find them when Sesshoumaru-sama came back, alone. He smelt of a human male, a terribly familiar scent though I still can't place it, and tears. He said not a word and we left. I asked him after a day what had happened. He wouldn't speak to me. We returned every few months to the same spot where he told me to wait while he took some things, blankets and kimonos and such, with him. He always came back smelling of the same human male. We continued this for over a year until one day, Sesshoumaru-sama came back with this … emptiness … in his eyes and he still would speak nothing about it, but there was something different. It was a few months before the first …"

The retainer stopped, too loyal to shame his master by naming his current weakness.

Jaken left later that day, saying that Lord Sesshoumaru's castle had been waiting for him and that it was his duty to make sure that everything was in order there. Inuyasha protested being his brother's 'babysitter' but a stern look from his mate made him fall silent.

"If you can get him to talk, it might solve all of this." Jaken whispered in Kagome's ear before he left, though he knew Inuyasha could hear it as well.

Kagome nodded and bid him farewell.

The next few weeks passed on with no success. Sesshoumaru neither ate nor slept nor even moved from his seat, staring at the fire. Kagome tried to get him to speak and even Inuyasha in his way, tried to help.

He tried to act like his brother's presences was nothing but a nuisance, but truly he was worried more than anything by his silence. True, Sesshoumaru had always been one for actions and not words, but he did nothing. Nothing but gaze unceasingly at imaginary flames, not an expression flitting across his face.

There was once a time when they sat together around the fire as the winter was beginning to set in. Inuyasha had been complaining once more about how Sesshoumaru was beginning to make the place smell and that after he left it would take weeks to get the stench out. He took to complaining in front of his brother because Sesshoumaru always ignored it anyway. It was also in some small way, Inuyasha's method of trying to get his brother to speak.

After an hour, Sesshoumaru stood suddenly. He had not had another fainting spell within the first few weeks, but he started to walk again. Though he would never venture far from the hut, the winter chill had started to set in and at night it was particularly numbing. Sesshoumaru made his way to the door, but not before Inuyasha jumped in front of him.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" He growled.

"It's too dark to go walking, Sesshoumaru." Kagome said calmly.

"Yeah, and there's no use for you to go fainting on us again." Inuyasha bit out sarcastically.

Sesshoumaru eyes bore into Inuyasha's. The blank look was replaced by something akin to tenderness.

"Brother."

Sesshoumaru nodded his head almost imperceptibly.

Inuyasha and Kagome stared as Sesshoumaru turned around and walked back to his place by the fire. That was the first word they had heard him speak since he had been there.

It was only a few days after that that Kouga came to call. Even with Inuyasha and Kagome mated, Kouga still came around to try and 'change her mind'. Inuyasha and Kouga were arguing again while Kagome tried to get the wolf to leave and her mate to back down. Both seemed to be ignoring her, much to her displeasure. It didn't take long before they started exchanging blows. Kouga punched first, sending Inuyasha to the ground. The dog demon was quick to recouperate, but when he threw his own punch his fist met air.

He heard a strangled cry from his right.

Inuyasha turned and saw his brother holding Kouga by the neck, his back to a tree. Sesshoumaru's hand glowed green and his eyes shone in a murderous way. Kouga struggled in his grasp as the demon lord began to press the tips of his claws into the wolf's throat. Suddenly there was a cry as another wolf demon, a female, was upon him. They were no match for Sesshoumaru and in the end the male wolf fled with the female in his arms after suffering a near fatal injury. Inuyasha held his brother back as his eyes glowed red.

Sesshoumaru got a hold of himself slowly as he slumped into his brother's grasp.

"She was terrified of wolves." He muttered before passing out once more.

Kagome could not find anything wrong with Sesshoumaru physically. Kaede, the old miko who had taught her had even come in to analyze him. Without words, however, both mikos knew that demons did not get sick, especially not one like Sesshoumaru. There was only one ailment that a demon could fall victim of.

A broken heart.

Inuyasha sat silent in a corner throughout Kaede's visit. He pondered everything he ever knew about his brother.

_She was terrified of wolves …_

Rin was. Why?

"_Brother."_

No malice, no disgust, no insult, or mocking. Just a word.

**_Why?_ **

The next two weeks went by calmly, almost too much so. Sesshoumaru was as silent as ever, but there was something about him that was different. A tenseness that Inuyasha could not place. Kagome had compared it to the calm before the storm. Something was about to happen. Something, something, something.

Sango and Miroku paid them a visit one day. Oh, what a day. The day the storm hit.

Sesshoumaru had been out when they first arrived. It gave Inuyasha and Kagome time to explain the situation to them. When Sesshoumaru returned, he was tense. His jaw was set and his eyes were hard as he stared the human couple down. Really, however, his eyes only spared a glance towards Miroku and rested on Sango. The steely glare and the set jaw made him look almost like he was back to normal.

There was silence.

Kagome eventually broke the dead unease by inviting him to sit down. Sesshoumaru glanced at her and his face soon molded into a passive look as he sat at his chair by the fireplace. Inuyasha would have jumped up and screamed that Sesshoumaru was back to normal if it wasn't for the unnatural silence still remaining.

The four friends resumed conversation, albeit uncomfortably, after a few moments of silence. They had almost relaxed when suddenly the door burst open. Inuyasha winced at the sound of the door hitting the wall, but Sesshoumaru remained still.

The little boy who came running through the door went straight to his parents.

"Mommy, mommy!" he cried jumping into Sango's arms. "I just saw a beehive over by our house!"

"You didn't go near it, did you?" Sango looked sternly at her son.

"No, mommy." The boy said, hiding his swollen finger behind his back.

Sango noticed. "Why don't you let me see your finger, Kohaku?" she asked suspiciously.

Sesshoumaru's whole posture stiffened at the name and his ears twitched, alerting the little boy to his presence. Kohaku looked over to the demon lord as his eyes widened.

"A demon!" he cried as he scrambled out of his mother's arms and curried towards Sesshoumaru.

"Kohaku, get back here!"

The little boy stopped by the arm of the chair. He stared at the regal posture of the demon. Sesshoumaru side-glanced the boy and without warning snarled at him, stood, and left the house. Inuyasha and Kagome were in shock as Sango and Miroku tried to soothe their terrified son. Finally, Inuyasha stood and followed his brother out.

Sesshoumaru stood at the back of the house, upwind of the horrible stench of that family. He snarled again. He knew he had no right to be angry. It was his choice. His decision to leave her there, to let her be bound to that boy. That boy who loved her.

_He _had loved her, he reminded himself.

Yes, yes, he had. More than that silly human would ever. And Rin had loved him. They could have been mates, they could have lived like his brother and the miko, they could have …

No.

No, he couldn't think of that. It hurt too much. He was too afraid, too selfish and stubborn. He couldn't accept it. He couldn't accept being like his father, he couldn't accept loving a human … and most of all he couldn't face that she deserved better. Better than the cold, prideful demon lord, better than _this Sesshoumaru_.

He forced himself to remember how she had begged him to let her stay, how she had cried broken at his feet. And how he just stared down at her, his eyes cold and unyielding, nothing like the set of warm brown ones that witnessed their last farewell. Sesshoumaru left Rin with him, that pathetic human who could give her more than he ever could.

He watched from the shadows after that. He spoke only to the man, Kohaku by name, on occasion and only stayed for a few minutes. He could smell Rin's tears and mourning all over the hut, but knew they were no cause of the man who smelt of sorrow and bitterness. No, it was his fault, the demon that probably smelt like sorrow, bitterness, tears, and grief and pride.

Rin's lingering grief over him should have made him displeased, but instead he felt pride. More foolish pride. He was proud that Kohaku, though he loved her in the most caring and loving ways possible, would never take his place. It was for that sick pleasure of seeing that man, the one Sesshoumaru himself chose to replace him, despair over the woman who would never let him take her lord's place. Sesshoumaru should have known it wouldn't last long.

He returned one day as he always did with the expectance of seeing the same anguish in Kohaku's eyes being with Rin and knowing she would never love him as he himself felt within his soul being without her and knowing that she would have it otherwise. He was vastly disappointed.

The boy was smug and mocking when he greeted him. Sesshoumaru could smell Rin all over him, not her despair or desperation, but her heat and pleasure. He almost wrinkled his nose in disgust. He didn't want to believe it. He wanted to rip those sneering, triumphant eyes out of the foolish humans skull, he wanted to rip out his filthy heart for stealing his Rin from him.

But that was when he realized … she was not _his_ Rin any longer. What was worse was that he had only himself to blame.

He left the man and the girl, promising to never return. He couldn't speak, he couldn't think, he couldn't _breathe_. Every flower, every sunset and every star reminded him of some part of her. She was everywhere, everything around him. He blocked it out. He lost himself.

He had been numb for so long, almost like walking in his sleep. Once he had smelt the wolves, his instincts flared, catching his almost vegetative mind by surprise. He once swore to her that she had only to say the word and he would kill every wolf in Japan. The newly stirred memories almost broke him. Almost. But that smell, the smell of _his_ blood running through mother and son's veins woke him completely from his shock-induced slumber. That name was all it took to throw him into a rage.

Sesshoumaru's emotions had always consisted of mainly anger, contempt, and cold indifference, but now his ice had cracked and the only one he had to hate was himself. It was _his_ eyes that tore through her soul that day, _his_ eyes that masked his heart so well with contempt.

He brought his hand up to his face. The rage was too much.

Inuyasha paused in mid-step as he heard a howl of rage tear through the calm evening air.

He smelt blood. Sesshoumaru's blood.

Inuyasha surprised even himself by the speed he got to Sesshoumaru's side. But the sight that greeted him made his stomach balk.

Sesshoumaru's one clawed hand ripped and shredded at his eyes and face in a mad frenzy. Bits of flesh flew everywhere as blood soaked his haori, but the flesh kept healing and he kept tearing it off with growls of frustration. He even managed to slit his own throat.

Inuyasha only paused a second to collect himself before he had his brother's hand firmly behind his back.

"Get a hold of yourself!"

Sesshoumaru thrashed against his brother, his whole body glowing red.

"Calm down!" Inuyasha continued to yell at his brother.

Kagome, Sango, Miroku, and their son arrived to the scene just as Sesshoumaru had started a coughing fit. The blood from his now-healed slit throat came out all over the already blood-soaked ground. Inuyasha held his brother steady as Sango and Miroku led their son away from the bloody spectacle. Kagome approached Inuyasha and his brother.

Sesshoumaru quieted. His breathing was still harsh and his bangs shaded his eyes as he lay half in his brother's arms and half crumpled on the ground.

"Such a fool." He mumbled, his voice trembling almost imperceptibly. "Such a prideful fool!"

When his breath evened out, Inuyasha dragged Sesshoumaru to his feet.

"Are you done now –"

Inuyasha's words died in his throat as he looked on his brother's face. The scars from the self-inflicted wounds were quickly disappearing but Sesshoumaru's face looked nothing like before. For the first time in his life, Sesshoumaru looked haggard. His whole face was stained with blood and his striped cheeks looked shallow from his coughing. His eyes were the most grotesque, bloodshot and watery, Inuyasha would have hardly known them as his brother's if it weren't for the identical amber color in them that now looked a pale yellow.

"Such a prideful fool." Sesshoumaru repeated as he watched the sun set.

The next few days were intensely edgy. Sesshoumaru was just as silent as ever and seemed almost unfazed by his near suicidal outburst. The only thing that changed was that his once innocently blank look had turned to one mixed with deep brooding and even the tiniest bit of sadness. Sango and Miroku thought he was mad and that they were probably in danger keeping him around. Kagome didn't believe them though. She was worried, yes, but not about herself. Inuyasha didn't believe them either, and though both couples argued, they both knew that the matter couldn't rest as it was. Something had to be done.

Sango knocked on the door to Kohaku's hut impatiently. Kagome was beside her and both were shivering from both the cold of the snow and the anxiety of the coming confrontation.

They heaved a sigh of relief when Kohaku was the one to open the door. For some reason they were not quite ready to face Rin yet, if she was even there.

Kohaku greeted them warmly and immediately ushered them into the hut and into seats by the fire where they came face to face with Rin herself. Kohaku proudly introduced her as his wife as Kagome and Sango pretended to be surprised. They congratulated them both, but mostly they were shocked at the sight of Rin.

She had grown exponentially since they had last seen her. Physically, she looked about seventeen with her ink black hair falling all the way down to her waist. She was beautiful, just as Kagome had thought she would be. Her smile was as bright as they remembered it, if a bit sad around the edges. Her eyes were still bottomless and dark. Those eyes that were the easiest to remember and the hardest to forget, eyes that have known life and death, grief and joy. The two women could see how Sesshoumaru could have drowned his sanity in the memory of her eyes.

Kohaku answered their questions of how Rin and he came to be married with a feigned lightness as she served them tea. It was obvious he had skipped some parts and even lied through some bits, but Rin remained quiet. Kagome and Sango listened politely, but he could tell from their shifting postures and their glances towards Rin that something was wrong. It surprised everyone when Rin herself was the one to voice the question.

"What is wrong, Kagome-san, Sango-san?"

Her quiet sincerity could ring over mountains and battlefields.

They struggled for words as Rin looked at them with concern and even anticipation. Perhaps she had sensed some sign of her old lord on their person, they pondered for a brief moment before discarding the thought.

"We … have come to ask a favor of your wife, Kohaku." Sango said, looking up nervously from under her eyelashes. Rin's eyebrows raised in surprise.

"What kind of favor, Sango?" Kohaku tried to keep his good cheer to thwart the serious and foreboding atmosphere that had settled on the room.

"We've come to ask Rin over to our house for supper." Kagome piped in cautiously. "We … have a guest who wants to meet her."

"A guest?" Kohaku asked, his cheerfulness dropping a bit. "Who?"

Sango swallowed hard, looking from her brother's eyes that had the slightest tint of dread in them to his wife's who held what might have been akin to hope.

"Sesshoumaru."

The room was still. Time might have stopped for that instant and the four occupants of the room wouldn't have minded. They were all too caught up in each other's eyes.

Kagome saw Rin's eyes turn to saucers as her mouth hung open slightly as if she wanted to speak but couldn't find the words. Sango meanwhile, studied her brother as his expression turned from shock, to fear, to anger.

Kohaku put his cup back on the table rather harshly as he said, "If he wants her back, he'll have to –"

"No!" Kagome and Sango both exclaimed.

Kohaku remained tense, his façade of light-heartedness gone, as he stared hard at the two women in front of him.

"He… isn't himself." Kagome tried to explain.

Rin's expression was a mix of excitement and fearfulness as they continued. Kagome and Sango told them all of how Sesshoumaru had shown up on their doorstep, lost and ghost-like and how they didn't know why or how he got the way he was. They paused at that point in their story, but Kohaku and his new wife seemed unwilling to supply that missing link in the story. Lastly they told them of what had happened just a few days ago.

"So, you expect me to let Rin go meet with some mad demon?" Kohaku burst without a moments pause after they had finished their narrative.

Rin sat back on her worn cushion on the floor with a pale face and wide eyes. Sango and Kagome could tell she was n shock and so decided to argue with Kohaku about it until she gave her say. After all, her word would be final.

"He isn't crazy! He's just …" Kagome paused, frustrated that she couldn't find the word.

"Losing himself."

All eyes turned on Rin who looked at Kagome with sad, understanding eyes.

Kohaku continued to rant and rage against her decision, but Rin had made up her mind. She had to see Sesshoumaru, if only one last time. She had loved him once, and she loved him still. She needed to help him.

She had hoped ever since her lord had abandoned her that she would be able to see him one last, even after she had learned to love Kohaku as a woman should love her husband. Now was her chance, and she would embrace it while she could.

When Kohaku, Rin, Sango, and Kagome returned to the hut, Inuyasha and Miroku were waiting. They greeted Kohaku and Rin somberly. Sango's son had since been put to sleep since it was decided best if he wasn't near Sesshoumaru or Kohaku that evening. Inuyasha and Miroku led Kohaku to the room next to the one Rin was to enter, the room where Sesshoumaru sat still as a mountain by the fire. Kagome put a reassuring hand on Rin's shoulder before following her mate to help calm Kohaku down.

Rin took a deep breath as she gripped the ends of her kimono sleeves. She was pale and she could feel herself tremble looking at the back of her lord's head from all the way across the room. She remembered with almost painful clarity those high cheekbones, the magenta stripes, the strong stature, and the eyes – oh Kami, those eyes! Those eyes that used to send her hopes soaring into the sky and could just as easily send them crashing down to the cold, hard earth.

She was suddenly frozen in place. The rejection, the hurt came back and she wanted to do nothing more than run as fast as she could.

"Rin."

The sound of her name being spoken by those same baritones ended her thoughts of escape. He moved not a muscle from his position by the fire, but she should have known he could tell she was there.

He stood slowly and turned around. The world slowed and even the flowers stopped their graceful dances with the wind to watch as lord and servant, demon and human, man and woman, stood facing each other for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

Rin gasped at the sight of him and she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Sesshoumaru's brow crinkled in the slightest. He slowly stepped around the chair.

"Rin."

There was her name again. He spoke it as if every thought he could never express and every feeling he could never show could be conveyed by that simple name. Her name.

"Sesshoumaru-sama."

Perfect, as always, was the way she said his name. He had heard his name shouted, whispered, cried. He had heard it in pain, fear, anger, hatred. But never had he heard anyone say it the way she always did. So devoted, so loving, irreplaceable.

There were no words to say, no words needed to be said in that moment. Both knew what they wanted, knew that the feelings were reciprocated, and knew that no matter what was resolved this day, this was the very last time they would see each other in this life.

Rin took a step forward, then another, and another. Sesshoumaru met her halfway.

Rin let the tears fall from her eyes onto his now ragged and blood-stained haori and Sesshoumaru rested his chin on her head. Both of her arms wrapped tightly around his armor-free waist as his one and only arm held her to him with as much strength as both of them would have. Their embrace was starting to cut off air, but they didn't care. It seemed like the first time in a long time … they could breathe.

There was the sound of something dropping from the other room that made them pull away a bit. It was soon followed by what Rin perceived to be Kohaku muttering a curse. She remembered her duty then. Kohaku was her husband. This was her last chance.

She moved to step out of Sesshoumaru's embrace, but he pulled her back.

"I have to go, Sesshoumaru." She murmured though she made no move to step away from his embrace again.

"Just a moment." Sesshoumaru asked. He knew it was an unwise request because once the moment was done he would ask for another, and, being the selfish being he was, another and another until it was an eternity of moments just trying to gather the strength to let her go. It would never be enough.

But she allowed it. She held him as if she would have been content if they had been a stone statue, forever entwined together in marble, withstanding time and wind and weather.

She forced herself to push out of the embrace as she took his hand and kissed it.

"We have to let go, but promise me this …"

He gripped her hand and she understood.

"Please don't forget me …" She leaned up and brushed her lips against his for the first and the last time.

With tears in her eyes, Rin tore herself from the room and from the man who would forever hold her heart.

Sesshoumaru watched her leave, his hand suspended in air as he savored the lasting warmth of her kisses on his pale, immortal skin.

Never forget. Never.


End file.
